Two dancers are unable to dance together without discovering their rhythm. Two musicians are unable to perform together unless they find the candance. Like dancing and music, stronger marriages are built on discovering the tempo to move forward. Finding the beat at first can be hard but once your recognize it, it becomes the oasis of your marriage.
All newly wedded couples have a hard time finding their rhythm. That’s why they receive so many warnings about the first year of marriage. When I lead couples into their marriage, I remind the new husband God intended for men to take the first year to attend to the needs and the learning of their new wife:
“If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married” Deuteronomy 24:5
Not going to war is comparable to today’s not working. Telling a man whose sole purpose is not who is he but what he does can be a crippling thing unless you place your purpose before you – discovering your wife.
Women are complicated. We are more complicated, men. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. We need long periods of time to understand each other’s complex nature. As I prepare men to mentally prepare for their first year in marriage, I strongly encourage men to work yet discontinue as much extracurricular activities and all things which cause stress. Spending the most time with your wife and discovering who she is should be the man’s top priority.
In that year, you will discover what I like to call your rhythm. I am not talking sexually. That’s for another post. I am discussing the nature which causes you both to come together to talk, plan, work, and discover non-sexual intimacy. Lack of rhythm creates conflict, stress, and many clashes.
For Karen and me, we have two places where we know we can have deep personal conversations: dining out and riding alone. Every major decision we have made for our marriage and family was done over eating out or driving. Our move to Atlanta was discussed on a trip to Atlanta on its busy I-85 where I broke the news where I sensed our season in south Georgia had ended. Our move to our current home happened over a meal at Longhorn’s steakhouse. I could go on and on. As a couple, we both know to get to the heart of the other one. We have to get out of the home.
For other couples to connect, it may be a vacation or get-away. Others spend their evenings lying in bed in the dark. For some, it is an evening in front of the television. Every couple has their own rhythm where they can connect more intimately and deeply.
One couple’s rhythm is not the same as another couple’s. It takes a while to discover. Once you do, it becomes a place of solace and refuge. It is where you will find as your family grows only you two can escape by yourselves to find simplicity of being one.
Karen and I enjoy hearing how other couples manage the rhythm of their marriages. What is your’s? Go here to share your story.
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